I posted the photo that accompanies this article because it was taken by someone I love after a short but steep uphill hike. My traveling partner is a jogger who’s physically fit and loves outdoor activities, and occasionally when we venture out together, it becomes clear that we experience that ‘fairly easy’ hike really differently. (They always give me lots of time to rest and lots of water, and they never rush me, which is why they still get to hike with me.)
But often, I don’t see another fat person on the trail. And when I travel to perform in small touring shows, it’s the same: I’m almost always the only plus-size person in the cast. And while most of the people I know are really thoughtful and progressive and inclusive, occasionally being the only plus-size traveler in my group leaves me odd (wo)man out. So I thought I’d write a short guide on traveling with plus sized friends… things to consider, facts you might not know, and ways to be a supportive ally to the plus-size pal you’re adventuring with!
Even my partners and close friends sometimes forget that my experience of travel is different than theirs, despite their best efforts and obvious, genuine love for thick-and-adventurous me, so if you travel with plus-size friends, read the below… you know, just to double-check that your allyship is on point!
1Pick activities that your plus size pal can participate in. No one who travels with plus-size friends or partners ever means to exclude their bigger friends, but sometimes straight-sized people don’t even realize that certain activities are inaccessible to larger folks.
If you’re planning to scuba dive, for example, make sure you know the company you are working with has wetsuits big enough for the biggest friend on your trip. If you’re ziplining, call and see if there is an upper weight limit. (Sometimes zipline companies have extra clips to support larger people, but sometimes they don’t.)
If you don’t do this research, your plus size friend will have to do it, And that’s okay – we are used to a world that doesn’t prioritize accommodating our bodies, and we can always do this research ourselves, or step out of activities that aren’t available for us. But it would be very kind for you to make sure everyone in your party can participate in your activities before you book them!
Sometimes it’s a matter of research, and other times, it’s simply a matter of common sense: in the burlesque world, for example, vintage shopping is a favorite past time of many performing pinups, and sometimes smaller people forget that it’s not fun for people of size to spend hours and hours in stores where none of the clothing fits them. (Some plus-size people genuinely don’t mind, but it’s better to ask than assume.)
If you are doing an activity from which plus size bodies are inherently excluded, make sure you are aware, and that you don’t ask a plus size babe to spend too much of their vacation planning around activities in which they can’t participate.
2Make sure there’s enough room for them. Smaller people can be a great help in finding or creating spaces for larger bodies in public places. Many people of size have been socialized to understand that their bodies are the problem and that is it their fault they feel unwelcome in public spaces, and some people of size may have difficulty asking for the space they need to be comfortable.
If you are seated at a tiny table in a restaurant where your friend will be cramped, ask if you can be moved to a new table. If you are seated in a booth that looks like your fat friend will have to squeeze in, casually ask ‘Should we sit at a table?” if they say they’re fine, trust them. But restaurants and bars are not typically organized with plus size bodies in mind, and it’s good to be aware of this if you’re a smaller person who’s vacationing with a person of size.
If you are sitting next to your plus size friend on an airplane, raise the armrest between you. It’s a chill and kind gesture that lets them know you’re not going to be defensive about them “taking your space”.
Many plus-size travelers have suffered long flights with the person next to us aggressively jabbing the armrest down into our hips throughout the flight, as though we could magically shrink on the spot. Flying sucks, no matter how you slice it, so flip the armrest up and let your friend know they’re seated next to someone who isn’t disgusted by flying next to a fat person.
3If you have extra space in your suitcase, ask if you can carry a few items for them. Listen, I realize that most of us don’t have trouble with underpacking, but if you happen to be a minimalist, this is a very cool and supportive thing to do.
Your plus-size friend has bigger clothes, and in most cultures they will be expected to dress more conservatively than a thin person. (Don’t believe me? Go out in public with a fat person in a crop top and see what happens.) J
ust remember that your fat friend can probably pack less clothing items than a smaller person, and they are also less likely to be able to find things they didn’t have room to pack at a vacation destination than you are, so they might be facing some real packing anxiety.
If you’re an overpacker yourself, it isn’t your responsibility to make space in your suitcase for your plus sized friend’s wardrobe… just send her my Plus Size Packing Tips if she’s struggling!
4Act proud to be with them. In some cultures, your fat friend will be stared at or laughed at. They may have their photo taken without their consent, teenagers will mock them, or strangers will walk up to them in markets to rub their bellies (this is common in China, as it’s meant to bring good luck.)
In other cultures, fatness is a sign of richness or fat women are oversexualized, so they might experience excessive catcalling or worshipping behavior. Other places, fatness is a stand-in for everything people find loathsome about American culture, and your friend might be treated with animosity.
In short, traveling while fat can be weird, and people can act in unpredictable ways that make plus size people feel awkward or embarrassed.
As a thin friend, partner or family member, you can be a powerful visual reminder that fat people are people, and it’s not okay to objectify or mock them. Hug them, hold their hand, and make it clear that you are with them and love and value them.. When you travel with plus-sized friends, act like you are proud to be with them.
In some cases, I’ve seen thin family members shrink away from the fat person when they are being treated in a dehumanizing way. When this has happened to me, it’s made me feel even more embarrassed, upset, and alone (and I never traveled with those people again!).
Stick with your fat friend, and stick up for them, too.
5Accept your fat friend’s body and its capabilities when you plan physical activities. All bodies are capable of different things, and every human body has different preferences and strengths. You wouldn’t take a friend who doesn’t swim to a snorkeling event, so don’t take a fat friend to a physical activity they won’t enjoy participating in.
Very important note: I am NOT saying that fat people are incapable of doing physical activities!
I am saying that when you plan a hike, your fat friend might be carrying 150 pounds more than you up that mountain, and it’s important to pick pacing that’s comfortable for everyone. If they say they can keep pace with the smaller people, they probably can. Believe them. They know themselves and their bodies. If they say they’d like to take extra time, plan it in.
I really like to hike, but I am pokey and I need lots of rests. For me, testing my physical limits with others is definitely a trust thing, and it might be the same for your bigger friends. I only hike with people who I trust to either keep pace with me without complaining, or venture ahead at their own speed and wait for me to catch up, or come back to check on me without making me feel like I’m slowing them down. I trust these friends to respect my ability, my body, and my limits. (If you have fat friends, this is the friend you should be aspiring to be!)
If your friend isn’t into physical activities, don’t be weird about it or try to talk them into it. They are the experts on their own bodies, and they know what will be fun and manageable for them.
That said, sometimes people of size are interested in doing physical vacation activities, but they have been made to feel like they are an inconvenience in the past. If your friend seems like they want to participate, but are concerned about slowing everyone down, don’t hesitate to reassure them by saying “It’s a pretty short hike, and I’m happy to do it slowly with lots of breaks if that’s the mood you’re in? If we’re slow, no problem. I won’t leave ya behind!”
But if they really don’t want to join you or are simply not up for it that day, don’t make it an issue: take a half day apart so you can go hike or whatever while they have their own adventures.
6Be aware of any prejudices or fatphobic behaviors you might take on vacation with you… and make the decision to travel without them. Do you have a habit of talking about how fat you look in a swimsuit? Do you criticize other people’s food choices? None of that is probably not going to help your plus-sized friend feel comfortable rocking a bikini on the beach with you or enjoying some vacation treats.
For many people, traveling can translate to a deviation from their normal habits, and some people who feel anxiety about straying from their normal “rules” manage this by narrating their decisions aloud in a self-critical way. (“Ugh I’ve eaten every carb in the universe since I got here.”)
If you are in the habit of commenting critically on your own eating or exercise choices, be aware that the people you are traveling with might also feel like you are judging them (even if, in your mind, you are not).
This is true for people of all sizes, but people of size can be especially sensitive to strangers criticizing their food and activity choices since we often experience criticism and commentary about our choices from prejudiced strangers. It’s always considerate to leave your food and exercise commentary at home, but it’s an extra kind decision to make when traveling with fat friends.
And those are my top tips for travelling with plus sized people! I hope you’ve found new strategies to make travel comfortable and safe for your loved ones!
